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MIL-contrast, how to deal with it ?
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Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 10:44 am
Hi all,

After all these years of being an Aber, and having so many tecniques, processes and games, even loads I invented myself, there's this one topic I still can't get on top of and that's my MIL. ::LOL Oh, this sounds soooo funny, ::LOL getting on top of my MIL ::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

Last weekend I had to go visit her, and wasn't in there for over 2 minutes when she (as usual) was on my case (and hubby's too).  With my birthday coming up very soon, and knowing that she'll call me, I want to be prepared and not let her get under my skin this time.

After the weekend visit, being a member of the Feel-Good-Club and all that, it only took me a few days to get back to my feeling-good-and-happy-self.  But now I'm not managing to NOT think about that coming phone call.  And I want to just not care about what she thinks or comments on.

I'm getting better, it's not on my mind the whole time (like it used to in the past), but still, I want to deal with this once and for all.

The woman is a strickt catholic, the preaching kind, not the practice-what-you-preach-kind, if you get what I mean. ::LOL So I have NO intention whatsoever to go into a discussion about Abe or other stuff that has any relation to it. ::devil

Doing a BOPA on her just is impossible at this point.  Our relationship hasn't improved over the last couple of years, it's now at the point where I get in contact with her as little as possible, because we just get on each other's nerves waaaaaay toooooo much.  Nothing I do (or am) seems to be deserving of letting be and not judge as far as she is concerned.  She's even bothered by the fact that we get up very early in the morning. 

We do that because we like long days, and we like to get a lot done during those days.  She judges: "you also have to LIVE and not work all the time".  Like being awake stands equal to not living ? :?

She just doesn't get it that some people actually LOVE working, because they absolutely LOVE what they've chosen to do profesionally. 

So, I see I'm writing one of my famous books again ::devil, so I'll stop here.  But I know I'm not the only one in the world with MIL contrast, so I'd like to know how you fellow-Abers deal with this.

Can you give me any practical tips you've used succesfully ?

:kiss:

Belana

 

 

CreatorChristine
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 12:24 pm
Hmmmm, Belana, the thought just struck me that people who stubbornly preach their beliefs to others aren't so sure of them themselves, deep down. It's like they have this niggling doubt or even outright fear somewhere below the surface that their beliefs might not be "right", and need others' validation/confirmation that their beliefs are true. Might you find a little compassion with her in that light? See her as someone who is looking for relief from her own bad-feeling feelings, even if it's unfortunate that she chooses to use you as her avenue toward relief? You are aware that it is your resistance to her judgment that is activating it in your experience. I know you are. ::devil

Hahah - and consider yourself lucky that you have a MIL who would like to see you live a little! Most strict Catholics I know would consider sleeping in a SIN! ::LOL::LOL::LOL

I also noticed you justifying why you get up early, even here to us on the forum! ::LOL Don't DOOOOOOO that! ::LOL I believe if you can somehow get to the point where you can simply shrug and think "Whatever" about your MIL's comments, things will become much more relaxed, and fairly quickly, too.

You'll do this - just get out of the ring and stop trying to wrestle her to the ground. Stop caring what she thinks about you and your life. Even if you can't turn the volume off on her squawking.::LOL

::hugging
Christine

Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 12:27 pm
I'm thinking that when she calls, ::chin I could tell her it's prohibited by Universal Law to harass me, because I'm the founder of the official Feel-Good-Club.

::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

:kiss:

Belana

Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 12:41 pm
CreatorChristine wrote: You are aware that it is your resistance to her judgment that is activating it in your experience. I know you are. ::devil


 

Yeah, rub it in some more ::LOL::LOL::LOL

As far as the getting up early goes, I don't think I was justifying, just wanted to explain that we have different ideas about that than most people do ::hugging

I gave up on justifying my actions towards her a long time ago.  No matter what I say, she'll never make the slightest effort to see things from someone else's point of view.  How she lives her life is what she'd like to order everybody else to do.  With the other daughters-in-law she seems to get away with that up till a certain point, but with this difficult one ::devil she gets no-where in that department.

"Stop caring what she thinks about you and your life. Even if you can't turn the volume off on her squawking"

This is what my husband says also, he seems to have that knack naturally, but when I ask him HOW he does that, he can't tell me.:(

The shrugging of the shoulders and thinking "whatever" sounds like it could work at times.  I must remember to use that more. 

She's never been used to people talking back at her, certainly not her children, so to keep the peace, I've kind of been ordered by my hubby not to answer to her, no matter what she says, but I can feel my stomach turning every time.  I've told him that one of these days she's gonna get the full load if she keeps it up.

I'm not exactly the kind that normally swallows everything and doesn't react. ::devil  It takes quite a bit of effort to behave like that for me, and I've been doing it for decades toward her.  I think I've slowly been reaching the point where the kettle is about to pop.

Must have something to do with all that Abe-stuff, where we learn that nothing is more important than feeling good, and caring for ourselves instead of about what everybody else thinks.  I must be getting more selfish every day ::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

Thanks for the help, I'll let your post sink in a bit and come back to it a few times today I think. ::hugging

:kiss:

Belana

CreatorChristine
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 01:08 pm
You don't have to swallow anything if you don't take the bait. ::LOL

It has been very helpful to me in my personal situation to realize that control-freaks are much like very scared little children trying to act all grown up. I really believe that compassion (hell, feel outright sorry for her if it helps! ::LOL) might be your key here. You be the adult here. ::hugging

::LOL I just had the thought that you might actually visualize her as having a volume knob that you can use to turn down the sound! ::LOL Or even a frequency button that you can use to tune her to a different, more enjoyable station! ::LOL

::singer
Christine

MiAlma
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 01:31 pm
What has helped me tremendously with people that are playing the role of rascals in my life is to see them as such: "playing a role" that we agreed upon before coming to this physical life.  I've had some issues with my dad and my IB told me that that was the case with him and in reality my dad (which I do believe because he is a great man, with lots of faith and a huge heart, and very intuitive by the way) was a very evolved soul that came to this life with that "personality" to provide the contrast that my siblings and I needed to expand.  My IB said that he "sacrificied" coming here knowing fully well that he would risk in this lifetime loosing his kids' love and affection (which he hasn't at all, we love him so much, and I love him even more now that my IB told me that).  I truly believe that the main rascals in our lives are so "by design".  So maybe, if you can see your MIL playing that role it could bring some relief to your heart.  I hope this helps. ::hugging

Last edited on Thu Aug 19th, 2010 01:33 pm by MiAlma

CreatorChristine
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 01:37 pm
You have a GREAT point there, MiAlma! Abraham have said that often our greatest, most annoying "rascals" are our soulmates, harrassing us into huge expansion. It's up to us to go with the expansion or not.

CMarie
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 01:37 pm
MiAlama,

I love what you wrote about your father....mine was a rascal as well.  I have 4 sisters and out of all of us, I am the only one who can say that I love him as my dad and I know he did his best for all of us.  I was always the evolved one in our family, even as a little kiddo.

Your words were beautiful! Thank you!

Evey
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:44 pm
I had MIL contrast....and now totally  G o n e.  I got there by using abraham teachings. The thing is i dont recall how i did it, maybe i started to focus on what felt good and dropped stories that didn't and i forgave but  really i think "forgot"::cool all the bad feeling storylines and I live with her and am her primary caregiver.

So.....use my story to say, well if someone else can do it, maybe i can too.

 

MiAlma
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:51 pm
I agree Evey.  I have used pre-paving to turn relationships around.  I know that you can find at least one good thought about your MIL: "She gave birth to my wonderful husband." I think that is a good start, don't you think? And give your attention to that and build from there.  Pre-pave your visits.  Concentrate on how YOU want it to be.  Little by little you can add to your list of things of good thoughts about your MIL and say to yourself that you will only concentrate on thoughts good things when you are with her.  You have shown yourself what a powerful creator you are, this is just another creation.  You can do it! ::hugging

Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:51 pm
OMS Christine ::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

You totally crack me up ::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

Thanks for the laugh ::hugging

And Mi-Alma, yes, reading your post about "playing the part" I got a glimpse of her really doing that, playing the part for my benifit.  Wonder if I can keep that up at the moment she's with me, or when I have her on the phone though ::devil, but hey, if I rehearse that a bit in my head, it just might soften the tension enough for her not to get on my case during that particular phone call that's coming up.

During my last visit there I noticed that she is as bothered by me as I am by her, and I was reminded that the more I think negatively about her, the more negatively she'll behave toward me, and that way we'll both let the situation escalate so much that one day we won't be able to stand the sight of one another anymore and hubby will be "the victim".  Yeah, I know, I know, "victim" is a chosen part also. ::devil

:kiss:

Belana

 

Evey
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:52 pm
Belana wrote: I'm thinking that when she calls, ::chin I could tell her it's prohibited by Universal Law to harass me, because I'm the founder of the official Feel-Good-Club.

::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

:kiss:

Belana


I can see whay she is bothering you--you keep inviting her in with your focus! Dont plan ahead to lock horns. Drop it. Right now. F O R G E T it all. ::devilSo what if she is rude. Her business. Pretend you are a teenage and tune her out and say Thank you for the good wishes....and think about something else. It is a phone call. ::devil Dont lose your prespective on what is important over a silly MIL phone call. File your toe nails while on the phone....::devil. Or get so busy, teh call goes to voice mail.

She was NOT created to make you feel good, but she is giving you the gift of learning to focus more deliberately...say thank you for *that* gift and the use the gift.

You know too much now...get to it! ::hugging

MiAlma
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:54 pm
And I just thought of another good thought: "She must have done something right raising MY husband because I love how he turned out."

 

Edited to re-phrase the thought. :)

Last edited on Thu Aug 19th, 2010 02:59 pm by MiAlma

Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 03:01 pm
Oh you guys, ::LOL

Yes, filing my toe-nails might also be a good way to deal with the call. 

And Yes, I know she means well, she wants to change me to fit the world better the way she sees it. ::LOL So that's another one of her "good points" then, besides the fact that she's brough hubby into this world.

Thanks guys, I'm going to chew on this for a while, but before I do, GROUP HUG with all of you. ::group

:kiss:

Belana

 

Blissful_Girl
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 03:09 pm
I have had major in-law contrast for decades - that's my old story.  I have transcended it by accepting a few key concepts:

- I was judging their judging - as someone here said, resisting their judgement activated it in my life.  I have come to realize that everyone is entitled to their opinions and unique perspectives and beliefs - there is no need to sort them into good piles and bad piles - the only relevant component to ME is feeling good personally.

- they are, at the essence of it all, WELL MEANING.  Regardless of our differences in perspective, they love their family, they want all to be happy, healthy and prosperous - it just so happens that their vision of HOW to get there differs from mine.  No big deal.

- I have clarity on my priorities - what is more important, to be RIGHT, or to be HAPPY?  I have been working on releasing the need to  be right through the judgement of others.  Nothing is more important than *feeling good* - my highest order intention is HARMONY in my life - and in pursuit of that harmony, I am willing to let all others 'off the hook' - they don't need to be any particular way, and neither do I - we can find our balance and become each other's co-operative components in co-creation by focusing on our individual alignment.  I know they don't necessarily see this or understand it - but it's enough that I do, because one who's in the vortex and consistently aligned with that vision is more powerful than many that are not :allgood

- and lastly - I focus on things that look and feel good - this means minimal contact with my in-laws. I am open, polite and kind when we intersect, but I don't actively seek out contact and keep our interactions on a very SHALLOW level - I don't have any need to share the deeply personal aspects of my life with them - I have other people who 'get me' for that - so no deep dives into contentious issues, no need to explain, defend or rationalize anything - I very mildly say 'that's just the way we do things' - whether it's how we raise our children, what we eat, how we spend our money or how we choose to allocate our time and attention - just a shrug and a smile 'that's us' - it's very disarming.

I have found SUCH relief in all this - going from literally feeling physically SICK in anticipation of our visits, to now being completely at peace and staying in the vortex, before, during and after our visits - aaaaaah, sweet relief!

Evey
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 03:13 pm
Belana wrote:  

Thanks guys, I'm going to chew on this for a while, but before I do, GROUP HUG with all of you. ::group

:kiss:

Belana

 


No--no more chewing.::devil Just stop thinking about THAT subject and go find an easy to feel good subject. And if you cannot stop, go running until you cannot think about anything!

::LOL::group

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 03:59 pm
(No "chewing", but maybe further inspiration)-
I´m behind my MIL- contrast, basically because I did somehow what Christine advised:
I really believe that compassion (hell, feel outright sorry for her if it helps!)

My MIL (very present in my life) was soooo... (no, I stop to even think it). It was toooo much! I had to creativly work with it. And I felt drawn to present her as a character for one of my novels. I just described 1:1 what she did and said!

Many people reacted like: "Book is so fine, but that mother- character is simply not realistic!" It was so exaggerated (BUT TRUE!!!)

::LOL::LOL::LOL!!!

It REALLY helped me to write "it" all down. The whole unholy step 1 experience- right to the point where it started to be so crazy that it was funny. Was an enourmous relief, because before I could never "believe it", and so I was always thinking through again and again, defending and somehow arguing!

After that I started (in the novel) pivoting- just like the rules of stories go. First you start out with a situation that is disgusting, than you go through the probem... and afterward your in a new place. -Happy End-.

I did that. My heroine started to understand her mother, started to set boundaries, started to let go, started to feel sorry for her- and than it was done. I was through with it. In real life, too.

Never again problems!!!

GROUUUUUP HUG!!!! ::group




MiAlma
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 04:03 pm
paradise-on-earth wrote:
GROUUUUUP HUG!!!! ::group






::group

We are a bunch of group-huggers! ::LOL

Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 04:39 pm
paradise-on-earth wrote: I did that. My heroine started to understand her mother, started to set boundaries, started to let go, started to feel sorry for her- and than it was done. I was through with it. In real life, too.

Never again problems!!!


 

Oh GREAT !::chin Now I have to become a novel-writer to clear this :?

::LOL ::LOL ::LOL

:kiss:

Belana

Last edited on Thu Aug 19th, 2010 04:47 pm by Belana

Belana
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 04:47 pm
My comments in red:

Blissful_Girl wrote:
- I was judging their judging - as someone here said, resisting their judgement activated it in my life.  Indeed, I do that too, and I know that it activates the unwanted, but until now, haven't managed to stop doing that thing that I do ::devil I have come to realize that everyone is entitled to their opinions and unique perspectives and beliefs - there is no need to sort them into good piles and bad piles - the only relevant component to ME is feeling good personally. So true, I need to remember that.

- they are, at the essence of it all, WELL MEANING.  Regardless of our differences in perspective, they love their family, they want all to be happy, healthy and prosperous - it just so happens that their vision of HOW to get there differs from mine.  No big deal. Right !

- I have clarity on my priorities - what is more important, to be RIGHT, or to be HAPPY?  Again the nail in the head. I have been working on releasing the need to  be right through the judgement of others.  Nothing is more important than *feeling good* - my highest order intention is HARMONY in my life - and in pursuit of that harmony, I am willing to let all others 'off the hook' - they don't need to be any particular way, and neither do I - we can find our balance and become each other's co-operative components in co-creation by focusing on our individual alignment.  I know they don't necessarily see this or understand it - but it's enough that I do, because one who's in the vortex and consistently aligned with that vision is more powerful than many that are not :allgood

- and lastly - I focus on things that look and feel good - this means minimal contact with my in-laws. That's been my way of dealing with it also I am open, polite and kind when we intersect, but I don't actively seek out contact and keep our interactions on a very SHALLOW level - I don't have any need to share the deeply personal aspects of my life with them neither do I, but the tiniest thing she finds out (like what time we get up in the morning) ::devil is used to judge and critisize - I have other people who 'get me' for that - so no deep dives into contentious issues, no need to explain, defend or rationalize anything - I very mildly say 'that's just the way we do things' - I'm thinking that I should go back to saying: "So What ????" to every comment she throws my way and to which she's expecting an answer.  I remember doing that a long time ago, and it caused her to stop because of the lack of interaction ::devil whether it's how we raise our children, what we eat, how we spend our money or how we choose to allocate our time and attention - just a shrug and a smile 'that's us' - it's very disarming.

I have found SUCH relief in all this - going from literally feeling physically SICK in anticipation of our visits, to now being completely at peace and staying in the vortex, before, during and after our visits - aaaaaah, sweet relief! I'm still at the "physically sick" part at this point, but I hope to be able to genuinly write the rest of that sentence as being true for me too.


:kiss:

Belana


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