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Abraham-Hicks Discussion > Forums > Abraham-Hicks Teachings and You > MIL-contrast, how to deal with it ?

MIL-contrast, how to deal with it ?
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Kelley
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Joined: Fri Nov 21st, 2008
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 05:54 pm
Belana

I think you and I have the same MIL (LOL)

Oh and mine is a big rascal at times, however, this is how I am dealing with her now.

Interestingly enough, I fell into a mediation regarding her , as I was demanding the universe provide me with some answers.

So I found myself in a place prior to coming down here. There she was in front of me, begging me not to ask her to provide this contrast that I was wanting her to do for me ???? I reminded her that I needed her to play this role, so I could overcome this contrast...........that she has to promise me she will fulfill her role, and that I will find away to emerse love into our relationship. that was my "aha" moment. I created the contrast for me by me and she was just fulfilling her promise. That mediation took place over a year ago.

So this is how I deal with her now..........easiest way is to picture her as a child "naive and unknown to LOA" how do we deal with children when they are learning we are patient and we understand that even though we understand how LOA works, they do not................so patience comes into play when we visit now. When I sense some resistance and she want to hurt me by telling me how I'm doing this wrong, and how could have I possibly not heard that on the news. I use my child like calm voice, and tell her that is not a priority in my life blah blah blah. And when we speak about her life, I do point out the nice things she has done,

I am no longer attached to her point of views, I no longer care what she thinks, because I know better...........and I trust that I know what's best for me.

So now our visits are pleasant, and when a topic comes up that we do not share the same opinion I change the topic, or remind her that we don't share the same opinion. I have completely let myself off the hook

And you know what I do feel love for her, as I focus this way, i'm finding that she has begun to mirror some of my beliefs back to me..........and that's neat, our relationship has shifted even if it's a little at a time, i'm okay with that

View her as you would a child............that's how source views us !

 

Much love

Kelley

MiAlma
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 06:05 pm
Kelley wrote:
So I found myself in a place prior to coming down here. There she was in front of me, begging me not to ask her to provide this contrast that I was wanting her to do for me ???? I reminded her that I needed her to play this role, so I could overcome this contrast...........that she has to promise me she will fulfill her role, and that I will find away to emerse love into our relationship. that was my "aha" moment. I created the contrast for me by me and she was just fulfilling her promise. That mediation took place over a year ago.

How much our perspective changes when we come to the realization that the non-physical part of our rascals really, really loves us, so much so that they agreed to play the role of "rascal" to help us expand.  They don't remember (and we don't either). If they could remember the agreement they would not be able to pull it of, that is why they are so good at the role they are playing. ::LOL

NatureLover
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 06:32 pm
Evey, you're my heroine! :)  I love that you're over it.
Belana - I completely understand! No need to explain why. ::LOL   Though I must say things have improved no end for me since I've been 'Abing it'.

I thought Paradise's post about writing MIL as a character was inspiring - it got me thinking about all the funny things you could imagine whilst MIL is doing her thing and at other times too. I think it might help you to find something which gives you a way to see her which is enjoyable for you.  I've written before about seeing people in joy and also in joy FAR away from me (makes me laugh just thinking about it!) And it works too! Another idea is to imagine her in some kind of comical dress or action, so that instead of feeling upset and on the receiving end of her 'stuff', you feel light and upbeat and can know that you're choosing your own feelings in that moment.

Sooo, ideas for more enjoyable ways of seeing the MIL:

  • Dressed like Max Wall, doing a funny walk and wiggling a cigar
  • Wearing a pointy bra like Madonna and dancing about (badly)
  • Wearing a really big, black moustache
  • Wearing a pointy bra AND a moustache!
  • With lots of body hair like a gorilla. (And, if you think about it, you probably wouldn't be upset by a gorilla, even if it threw its poo at you, cos you know it's a gorilla and that's what they do. See where I'm going with that??)
  • Like a little girl (there's one in there somewhere!) Again, you couldn't get too upset with her. But the real beauty of this is that it helps remove the usual polite boundaries we tend to have towards our MILs.  You might even find you feel more compassionate towards her and maybe even better able to respond to her honestly but gently.

I could go on all day but I'm sure you get the idea.

Alternatively, set the answerphone to 'on' and have a lovely birthday!

Lots of love to you!


::hearts::hearts::hearts::hearts::hearts


Just editing to say that I only just read Kelley's post about seeing her as a child - maybe something in that then, eh? :)

Last edited on Thu Aug 19th, 2010 06:35 pm by NatureLover

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 08:20 pm
NatureLover,

I enjoyed your ideas!!! And I think this one

"that it helps remove the usual polite boundaries we tend to have towards our MILs.
"

hits the nail for me. Yes, I felt always bound to be polite- while she went over all boundaries. GOOOD point!!
  ::TU

Think that works with MANY relationship- problems!

Delilah
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 08:42 pm
Hi Belana:

I'm just going to jump in here briefly and offer up a thread that highlights one of the most beautiful MIL stories I've ever read. 

You may remember it.  It may be worth a second read--only this time with an open heart. It is a beautiful story of seeing through the eyes of Source and treating dear MIL the way we would like to be treated, with
Unconditional LOVE. 

It doesn't matter that your expressions of LOVE may feel one way or one-sided. All that matters is that YOU take care of YOU by learning to express unconditional LOVE no matter what.


Best wishes'
:oars:D.


The Most Beautiful Heart Shaped Pink Cake That I Could Bake
http://www.theabeforum.com/view_topic.php?id=17249&forum_id=2&jump_to=239731#p239731

Marc
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 09:25 pm
The thing that jumped out at me at reading everything here is that there's so much detail about your MIL, and what you don't like and why she's the way she is, and how you just can't seem to see her differently, and that's exactly why you can't shift things.  You've let her set the tone of things and lost sight of what it is that you want.  That's the missing thing here -- you never really make it to the point where you're clear about what you want, you're too busy pushing against your MIL. 

You've actually pre-paving what you do not want -- "
With my birthday coming up very soon, and knowing that she'll call me, I want to be prepared and not let her get under my skin this time."  Statements like that make it seem like your MIL is somehow imposing her will on you when all that's required is for you to spend a little effort to focus on what you do want.  So take this particular statement I quoted.  Instead of focusing on her -- "not let her get under my skin this time," you turn it around and actually set the tone.  "I want to have a civil (or pleasant, if you're feeling bold) call from her on my birthday."

And now your work begins.  It's your job to remember interactions with her where things didn't go quite so badly.  Before you jump in with the, "But! But!" and launch into more stories about how unpleasant she is, remember -- she's got to sleep at some point, so there IS at least some part of the day where she's not actively being unpleasant.  If that's the only way you can imagine her not bothering you, so be it.  Use your imagination -- imagine that phone call and being pleasantly satisfied that it went okay.  Practice being somewhat surprised that she was almost gracious.

This isn't something you're going to deal with "once and for all."  You've spent far too much time practicing observing what you don't want, so you're going to have to gradually turn the heat down.  But it's high time you took your power back instead of letting her set the tone.


lovingit
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 09:48 pm
Marc wrote:  it's high time you took your power back instead of letting her set the tone.




:exactly:This is what jumped out for me too.... Your MIL activates feelings of powerlessness in you... and you know you're not powerless, hence the desire to 'push back and let her have the full load!"

Your DH asking (?) you to not answer back to her has confirmed your feeling of powerlessness around her.... "What, I'm not allowed to tell her she's a stupid, old @**!@?"

If I were you, I'd indulge  in some good old anger for a while... write her a letter (you don't have to send it! ::devil) telling her exactly what you think of her... if you really go to town with this you might also find that your feelings towards her gradually change as you write....

And what's wrong with answering back, anyway, if it gives  you relief... she's a match to receiving it from you... it almost feels to me like she wants you to answer back... wants someone to 'challenge her'... if everyone else is creeping around her, scared to say anything... she's probably getting bored!

The key thing here is you are not powerless, but you seem to be feeling it... she's no more right to an easy life where everyone agrees with her than anyone else... give HER some contrast! or at least, enjoy imagining giving her some contrast. ::devil 

You are free to be as you be.... but you're not feeling free to be as you be when you focus on her.... so, I'd say, get good and angry, move up the EGS, then celebrate being the wonderful being you be!

Love,

Rach

::hugging 

 

Cheerful Dreamer
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 Posted: Thu Aug 19th, 2010 11:46 pm
OMG Belana, Wow, LOA in action, because my M-I-L is creating contrast for me and my hubby, and I came to this forum for RELIEF on the subject. I am the original poster of the The Most Beautiful Heart Shaped Cake I Could Bake and even though I have been trying to offer unconditional love, my M-I-L is back to finding fault in every way we live our lives. She used to live 350 miles away, so it wasn't too hard to deal with, but she moved to our town, right around the corner from us, so I am trying to find RELIEF.

All the advise, that people on the forum have posted, on this subject has helped, I realize not everyone will like me, that's OK. But It just feels like she is trying to poison the relationship with my husband and I.


I really like what Blissful-girl said: - and lastly - I focus on things that look and feel good - this means minimal contact with my in-laws. I am open, polite and kind when we intersect, but I don't actively seek out contact and keep our interactions on a very SHALLOW level - I don't have any need to share the deeply personal aspects of my life with them - I have other people who 'get me' for that - so no deep dives into contentious issues, no need to explain, defend or rationalize anything - I very mildly say 'that's just the way we do things' - whether it's how we raise our children, what we eat, how we spend our money or how we choose to allocate our time and attention - just a shrug and a smile 'that's us' - it's very disarming.

I am totally cool with being shallow and not talking about deep subjects but she wants to know EVERYTHING about our lives, including our sex life.  I told her that I don't want to discuss that with her, that some things are private, and she gets all snippety. Even if I did tell what she wants,  she will tell the rest of her family EVERYTHING too. That is how I heard about my S-I-L sex life, things I don't want to know. TMI (Too much information) for me....

She also wants to know every awful drama that has ever happened in my life. (I think that she believes that is how people bond) But I am an aber and very private, any awful things that have happened in my life, I would prefer to forget and to her that is not dealing with your issues!!!

So the latest is, that she called my husband after work, and read him the riot act about how we live our lives and pretty much talked trash about me to him. She said that with me it's "MY way or the HIGHWAY". I guess I should take that as a compliment because I will not live my life the way she wants!!! For example, I have the opposite as you Belana, because my M-I-L wants us to come over for Dinner (Linner) on the weekends at 1:00 in the afternoon, because she gets up at 4:00am to begin her day. We work all week and want to sleep in, then maybe go for a hike and get out, and she is pissed because we don't want to live our lives on her time schedule.

It just seems to me she that she WANTS to sabotage any happy relationships!!!Oh boy, EVEY, Is she ever a ROCKET LAUNCHER!!! I am so grateful for the teachings of ABE, they HAVE been a tremendous help because I realize, she cannot be happy while she is on a tirade about us or whatever issues of the week it is.

So I know in my heart that she is also just looking for relief too. She feels powerless in her live and has moved up to anger, but she never seems to get past the anger stage, so she blames everyone else for the way she is feeling. She wants us to CONFORM to her standards, to make her happy, and so she is using us as an excuse to not be in her vortex.

I am already feeling RELIEF to know that I am a deliberate creator and I can
CHOOSE to be happy, AND because I understand that I am NOT responsible for my M-I-L happiness. Thank you ABE for teaching me the TRUTH to the true path to happiness!!!
::TU ::TU ::TU ::hearts

WOW, Look at the quote of the day:
Daily Law of Attraction Quotation
The best thing you could do for anyone that you love, is be happy! And the very worst thing that you could do for anyone that you love, is be unhappy, and then ask them to to try to change it, when there is nothing that anybody else can do that will make you happy.

Thanks Universe, for helping me see the light!!!

P.S. Thank You Delilah, for your sweet words about my Heart Shaped Cake Post. I had so much fun making the cake and giving love and joy. I will try to just hold on to that feeling and let the my love FLOW!!!!! ::hugging

Belana
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 10:19 am
Hi guys,

I just want to thank all who contributed to this thread.  I came here a couple of times yesterday, and I have to say that joking about it, and lauching at your guys' jokes about the thing surely brightened up the grey feeling I started out with. ::TU

Marc and Rach, yes, you are right.  I wouldn't have come to this conclusion on my own, but after thinking about what you guys said about giving her all the power, I guess I have been doing that.  She really did make me feel powerless.  

I've just written myself up the scale a minute ago on the topic of the MIL, and now I feel a whole lot lighter.  I needed to vent, I needed to shout at her (because indeed, I feel prohibited to do that in real life)::devil and now I do feel lighter.  It's like she's a thousand miles away right now. ::cool

I've written myself up the scale on so many topics, and several relationships, but I just couldn't get myself to do it on my MIL this time.  Guess I needed the push you guys just gave me. ::TU

I'm going to do my best to think about pleasant subjects, and when she comes to mind, I'll look for memories about her that weren't all that bad and take it from there, one baby-step at a time.

Cheerful Dreamer and Delilah,

I hadn't read that thread until now and it sure is a beautiful story, but I don't see myself baking her a cake, or giving her anything else to eat for that matter (we're into health-food and that's another subject that she finds reason to critisize us for, sorry Marc, just HAD to say that, I guess old habits die hard, I know, I know, not true, not true ::devil)

What I do want from her is to just let me be, let me live my life the way I see fit, without any comments from her part what so ever.  My own mum lets me live my life the way I want, I so apreciate her for that and if I do something that she sees as being "not totally right", and I explain to her why it is right from my point of view, she sees what I see, and just lets me be. I am appreciated by my own mum ::huggingand I appreciate her too.

Hey, I just found out I can switch from the MIL to my own mum and that also helps. ::cool  After all, it's all about the appreciation, and it isn't important who or what the subject of that appreciation is, as long as you get to the end result, the FEELING of the appreciation. ::cool ... which makes you feel GOOD...

Thanks again to all of you. ::group  I'll keep you posted on my progress.

:kiss:

Belana

 

 

 

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 10:48 am
You know what you did with all that writing, Belana?

You became a novel writer!!!! You startet a hero-journey. You looked for friends and comrades, you polished your "weapons"- and faced the dragon. You started to feel like being in an adventure (when we´r TOO close it just feels like an annoying PROBLEM ::devil).

And now you already contemplated about the best possibilities of a happy end to your self-created story!

::cool  ::hugging 

I like your style!! ::hearts

Delilah
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 07:28 pm
Belana wrote: What I do want from her is to just let me be, let me live my life the way I see fit, without any comments from her part what so ever.

Belana, the most freeing concept I ever learned was "we can't change other people.  We can only change ourselves."  That's why Abe's teachings resonated with me when I found them. 

Abe teaches that we are to allow others to be who they are regardless of whether we like it or not.  So the bottom line will always be, you can keep resisting your MIL (maybe you enjoy the drama), or you can allow her to be herself.  And you can find practices that will allow you to stay in alignment no matter what she says or does.


Best wishes,

:oars:D.



tiffany blue
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 08:05 pm
MiAlma wrote:
What has helped me tremendously with people that are playing the role of rascals in my life is to see them as such: "playing a role" that we agreed upon before coming to this physical life.  I've had some issues with my dad and my IB told me that that was the case with him and in reality my dad (which I do believe because he is a great man, with lots of faith and a huge heart, and very intuitive by the way) was a very evolved soul that came to this life with that "personality" to provide the contrast that my siblings and I needed to expand.  My IB said that he "sacrificied" coming here knowing fully well that he would risk in this lifetime loosing his kids' love and affection (which he hasn't at all, we love him so much, and I love him even more now that my IB told me that).  I truly believe that the main rascals in our lives are so "by design".  So maybe, if you can see your MIL playing that role it could bring some relief to your heart.  I hope this helps. ::hugging

Thank you SO much MiAlma, you truly spoke that as if we has one alma, juntas. My dad has been such a HUGE rascal in my life (okay I didn't need to capitalize that but I just needed you to get the point). And recently it's been coming to a point where I'm sick of feeling out of alignment with him. Your view on your rascal really helped me understand mine. I love this thread!!

::TU

Last edited on Fri Aug 20th, 2010 08:05 pm by tiffany blue

MiAlma
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 08:09 pm
tiffany blue wrote:


Thank you SO much MiAlma, you truly spoke that as if we has one alma, juntas. My dad has been such a HUGE rascal in my life (okay I didn't need to capitalize that but I just needed you to get the point). And recently it's been coming to a point where I'm sick of feeling out of alignment with him. Your view on your rascal really helped me understand mine. I love this thread!!

::TU

:)

chillinjoan
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 09:04 pm
Hey, you guys, I AM a MIL, poor guy....can you imagine?

Actually we have a blast together, do things, just us, often.

I do have a MIL, she is only 7yrs older than me so it really doesn't count, does it.

if she gets on my nerves, I tell her to Shut up and Go home, then be both laugh.....

it helps that SHE IS AN ABER

I am blessed with the people I attract

MiAlma
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 Posted: Fri Aug 20th, 2010 09:57 pm
chillinjoan wrote: Hey, you guys, I AM a MIL, poor guy....can you imagine?

Actually we have a blast together, do things, just us, often.

I do have a MIL, she is only 7yrs older than me so it really doesn't count, does it.

if she gets on my nerves, I tell her to Shut up and Go home, then be both laugh.....

it helps that SHE IS AN ABER

I am blessed with the people I attract

Joan, I wish you lived near me, I would love to have a friend with a sense of humor just like yours!

Belana
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 Posted: Sat Aug 21st, 2010 11:04 am
chillinjoan wrote: Hey, you guys, I AM a MIL, poor guy....can you imagine?


This is so funny, because when I was thinking about starting this thread on the forum, I thought there must be lots of MILS on the forum here.  But then I thought, hey, at least they are Abe-mils, so they don't count as "normal" mils. ::LOL

I wish you were my MIL Joan. ::hugging I'm sure we could have lots of fun together. ::LOL

***

I haven't thought about my MIL much yesterday, so I must be moving in the right direction.  When the thought of the coming-up phone call flashed by, I refocus my mind as fast as I can, so congratulations to myself for that one too. ::devil

:kiss:

Belana

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Sat Aug 21st, 2010 11:53 am
::wow::wow::wow  Belana, good job!!!!  ::hugging
                                  And when ever you might slide back, I    lend you a few carrots!!

(You know that story about the flying carrots? It went through the forum... I once, when I was VERY upset, grabbed threm and BASHED them through the kitchen... them, bursting in a million pieces, where SO exciting to look at by me and the kids, that we could´nt hold back and hat a SOOO good laugh about it. It helped SOOO much!!!)
     ::LOL::LOL::LOL

Isn´t it good to think about that we are not alone "in this"- and we ARE in charge about our feelings? Oh, sweet relief.

 

chillinjoan
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 Posted: Sat Aug 21st, 2010 07:08 pm
MIL - MOTHER IN LOVE

un huh, that's right, I'll take ya allll on !

btw, did I tell you guys I have a single son that just turned 30? 

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Sat Aug 21st, 2010 07:49 pm
WOW Joan, THATS a new approach!

::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo

LOVE IT!!!!!



Wildcat Bengal
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 Posted: Sat Aug 21st, 2010 11:45 pm
Hey Belana, your situation reminds me of the show Everybody Loves Raymond. I dont know if youve ever watched the show or not but the very same issue your dealing with goes on with Marie (the mother in law) and Deborah. Its actually pretty comical to sit and watch just how rediculous the mother in law acts towards Deborah. Its a very funny show and if you watch it, it may help you see your situation in a different light and help soften your resistance.


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