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Abraham-Hicks Discussion > Forums > Abraham-Hicks Teachings and You > MIL-contrast, how to deal with it ?

MIL-contrast, how to deal with it ?
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kategibson
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 04:40 am
MiAlma wrote: What has helped me tremendously with people that are playing the role of rascals in my life is to see them as such: "playing a role" that we agreed upon before coming to this physical life.  I've had some issues with my dad and my IB told me that that was the case with him and in reality my dad (which I do believe because he is a great man, with lots of faith and a huge heart, and very intuitive by the way) was a very evolved soul that came to this life with that "personality" to provide the contrast that my siblings and I needed to expand.  My IB said that he "sacrificied" coming here knowing fully well that he would risk in this lifetime loosing his kids' love and affection (which he hasn't at all, we love him so much, and I love him even more now that my IB told me that).  I truly believe that the main rascals in our lives are so "by design".  So maybe, if you can see your MIL playing that role it could bring some relief to your heart.  I hope this helps. ::hugging

MiAlma, this brings tears to my eyes! My dad could fit that description too. Thankyou!

Okay, i'll keep reading now ::devil

kategibson
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 05:11 am
Belana wrote:
What I do want from her is to just let me be, let me live my life the way I see fit, without any comments from her part what so ever.  My own mum lets me live my life the way I want, I so apreciate her for that and if I do something that she sees as being "not totally right", and I explain to her why it is right from my point of view, she sees what I see, and just lets me be. I am appreciated by my own mum ::huggingand I appreciate her too.

Hey Belana,

It sounds like things are improving for you and that is soooo wonderful. I just wanted to add a little bit of my story, because you reminded me of it here. I have the same old troubling MIL, and the same amazing mum. I spent a lot of years comparing my mil to my mum, and saying exactly what you've said here. And saying "i have such a great mum who respects me, who does this other woman think she is, telling me what to do? even my own mum doesn't tell me what to do!" Finally this year (just before i found Abe) i had a major breakthrough with my mil situation. I realised that 1) i've spent our whole relationship judging her and comparing her to my mum, and 2) i've never let her in in any way because of my judgement that my relationship with my mum is great and letting in another woman might jeopardise that. The thing is that i still haven't done anything to improve my relationship with my mil, but i've stopped pushing against her, and as a result i've seen her about 3 times this year (and she lives about 10 minutes away). She always visits my dh and daughter on saturdays when i'm at work.

After i released this pushing against her (the absolute biggest piece of contrast in my life so far) i stumbled upon Abe, and things have been steadily improving in all areas of my life ever since. And one thing they said really struck me about her. I cant remember where, but they said that often the biggest rascal in your life actually shares your IB. It is you, harrasing you into the expansion that you wanted! When i heard that, i immediately thought of MIL. I don't know about you, but i suspect that this is true in my situation.

Thank you Abe, and thanks to everyone who posted such inspiring MIL tales. I've had fun reading this thread

Kate  :)

 

kategibson
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 05:14 am
Wildcat Bengal wrote: Hey Belana, your situation reminds me of the show Everybody Loves Raymond. I dont know if youve ever watched the show or not but the very same issue your dealing with goes on with Marie (the mother in law) and Deborah. Its actually pretty comical to sit and watch just how rediculous the mother in law acts towards Deborah. Its a very funny show and if you watch it, it may help you see your situation in a different light and help soften your resistance.

Hey Wildcat - I just had to say, I can't tell you how many times over the years I almost threw something at my tv because i was so angry at Marie! ::LOL Note to self: DO NOT watch Raymond when I'm feeling furious at my MIL. Never knew before this show that it was possible to truly HATE tv characters ::LOL

kmc164
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 05:37 am
Hi Belana,

I don't know if my story will help that much after all the fantastic advice on this forum. I wish I had found Abe when I had to deal with my MIL.
Anyway, she sounds very similar to yours, except that she is a strict Muslim.  Fortunately, my husband had already developed an effective way of dealing with her and once I got over my need to be outraged and 'right', I started using it all the time and it brought us a lot of relief.
I am not at the stage where I can see her as my IB sees her, and I don't believe I have to be in order to have a workable relationship with her.  We never talk about her and when we had to see her, we would smile, agree with everything she said and if it was something aggravating, we let it go immediately. It was like we had a MIL protection bubble around us and everything she said and did bounced off us.  I also learned not to complain about her, just because every moment she was in my thoughts made me feel so mad. 
It helped us enormously and funnily enough, once I started really doing it, she moved countries.  So now I only have to talk to her very occasionally on the phone. And from this distance, I can soften my feelings about her and maybe even work around to how my IB sees her. 
:allgood
Karen


fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 06:23 am
Belana, I didn't read all other replies, so I might repeat other people experiences, but I just was inspired to answer you even though I come to the forum now not that often.  How I deal with MIL, by the way, I had 3 of them::LOL:

I deal/dealt with them just like with any other beings: if I am inspired to "deal" with MIL, then I deal, if not, then not::LOL. It that simple!  It helps, my DH is very supportive, but I had DH that was not that much supportive, and it did created some ripples in the beginning, but I did my own "dealing with MIL" anyways.

My MILs went through different stages of human emotions toward me, but at the end they all mellow down and accepted my "whatever they may call it"::devil, and I continue to enjoy my freedom from "must", "should", etc. and connect with MIL when I am inspired or moved. And the connection always very satisfying to all!

I have a lot of details, but it doesn't matter - its all the same: if you don't want to pick up the phone - don't pick up.  Let her leave a message or whatever.  I "trained" my MIL to use an email - the best way of communication for me, MIL, or friends, or else.

:kiss:Elena


 

fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 06:34 am
Delilah wrote: The Most Beautiful Heart Shaped Pink Cake That I Could Bake
http://www.theabeforum.com/view_topic.php?id=17249&forum_id=2&jump_to=239731#p239731

Yes, she was INSPIRED::singer! That is what I was talking about, girls!::hugging

fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 06:37 am
chillinjoan wrote:
if she gets on my nerves, I tell her to Shut up and Go home, then be both laugh.....
::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL

fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 06:42 am
MiAlma wrote: What has helped me tremendously with people that are playing the role of rascals in my life is to see them as such: "playing a role" that we agreed upon before coming to this physical life. 
 

...or don't be afraid to "play a role", be rascal for them!::hugging

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 08:39 am
Belana, you got into something with this thread!! Wow, so much energy, here. So many feelings and thinking bout  CONTRAST! Almost stronger than with money!! ::devil

fromknowingtojoy wrote:
MiAlma wrote: What has helped me tremendously with people that are playing the role of rascals in my life is to see them as such: "playing a role" that we agreed upon before coming to this physical life. 
 
...or don't be afraid to "play a role", be rascal for them!::hugging
I think all this thoughts in the thread have a huge potential to help us, in general, to change our trained beliefs about rascals, BEEING a rascal and "behaving well".

THANKS to the MIL´s.... ::bow !!!
Maybe, playing this "universal" role, they are REALLY the "universal Mothers in love"!? What a daring thing.

Wow. Thats big for me.
(And prepaving. I´m a mother of 4! ::devil)

Last edited on Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 09:21 am by paradise-on-earth

fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 08:46 am
paradise-on-earth wrote: THANKS to the MIL´s.... ::bow !!!
Maybe, playing this "universal" role, they are REALLY the "universal "Mothers in love"!? What a daring thing.

Yes, that is big rascal's archetype - MILs ::bow!

Belana
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 08:56 am
paradise-on-earth wrote: (And prepaving. I´m a mother of 4! ::devil)



Yes, but you are an ABE-mill, that's a "limited edition", so they have a extra value. ::LOL

:kiss:

Belana

Belana
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 08:58 am
... and more tips and tricks for me, from my dear Abers, THANKS guys, your stories and ideas are more than welcome ::TU

I'm going to read your posts all a second time so the tricks really sink in...

:kiss:

Belana

fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 08:59 am
Belana wrote:

an ABE-mil, that's a "limited edition"
::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL

Belana
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 09:01 am
Wildcat Bengal wrote:  Its a very funny show and if you watch it, it may help you see your situation in a different light and help soften your resistance.


I don't know that show, it's not on here on Happy Planet, but hey, if I focus on it, maybe they'll add it to their program coming fall. ::cool

:kiss:

Belana

Belana
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 09:11 am
I've felt quite neutral toward my MIL over the last few days, ever since I've written myself up the scale on her, but of course, the negative feelings are so strong, I can feel they are slowly coming back to me.   It's not over yet. ::devil

I haven't really been comparing her to my mum, I'm using the image of my own mum as a trick to refocus when my mind wonders to where I don't want it to go.  If I appreciate my mum, instead of rehearsing defensive conversations with my MIL inside of my head, I consider that a better thing, so this is the best I can do right now I think.

I'll do my best to stop pushing against the MIL, when I'm with her, or better said, before I go there I can indeed place an imaginative MIL-proof bubble around me.  I can also do that on the morning I'm expecting a call from her, a special ear-bubble or something. ::LOL

And indeed, the less she's on my mind, the less cause there is for me to become uneasy and even mad.

Thanks again to all of you.  I think I'm going to re-read this entire thread a few times in the next few days, there are so many comical posts and cute stories, this thread softens the heavy MIL-feelings so much, I would never have thought that possible. ::cool

:kiss:

Belana

 

 

fromknowingtojoy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 09:26 am
MILs are the same as other human beings, except we have a conditioning in the mind that we should go visit them, should call them, should take their call, should care about them and so on, even if we don't feel inspired,

because

otherwise

we will be

bad DIL

So we continue to reinforce the same dynamic

"negative MIL - trying to be good DIL"

::LOL::LOL::LOL

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 09:26 am
Belana wrote:
I can indeed place an imaginative MIL-proof bubble around me... 
::LOL 

Your´THERE, Belana. If you can joke, it´s almost done!!!!  ::hugging

CreatorChristine
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 10:36 am
Hiya, Belana!

While I agree about putting a MIL-proof bubble around yourself if that thought offers you RELIEF, I am noticing that you are still in the mode of thinking, "I need to PROTECT MYSELF from this MIL from hell." And that is something that is simply not true! ::LOL There is NOTHING that you need protecting from! But you have been prepaving it in exactly that way for a few days now, and seem to be bent on perpetuating that kind of prepaving until "Doomsday" (your birthday). ::LOL

I know, old habits are stubborn little buggers and often don't accept that their time has come. ::devil But you're not gonna let a little ole habit ruin your BIRTHDAY, are you? And it IS that habit, and not your MIL, that is threatening to do just that.

I'm going to share a dirty little secret with you. I find that when I resist people's judgment, it is usually because I am somehow afraid that they just might be right! AAARRRRGH! ::LOL I am not fully convinced of my God-given right to be just the way I am. Any show of bluster I might put on is to prove to MYSELF that *I* am right. ::LOL So our mission here, should we accept it, is to get to the point where we feel and KNOW our freedom and true "rightness" without needing to get defensive about it. Which lets everyone else off the hook. AAAAAHHHH, WHAT A BREATH OF FRESH AIR! *David, we need a deep-breathing emoticon!* ::devil

Belana, it's your birthday coming up. Give yourself that gift of absolute freedom. With a big bow, and a Happy Cake to go with it. ::hugging And if you find your MIL calling you and giving you the gift of contrast, you can tell her - calmly and rationally - "MIL, I love you, but I am not going to allow myself to ruin my birthday by listening to you right now. Thank you for calling. Goodbye and have just as wonderful a day as I am going to continue having!"

All my love to you, sweetheart! ::hugging
Christine


PS: I just had what I am allowing myself to consider a BRILLIANT thought (and don't ask where I was sitting ::LOL): We are Source, expressed in billions of physical beings. EVERY SINGLE DAY IS OUR BIRTHDAY! ::woohoo I think I'm gonna go open my presents RIGHT NOW ... ::grapevine

paradise-on-earth
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 02:50 pm
   ::bow    PERFECTLY stated, Christine.

MiAlma
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 Posted: Sun Aug 22nd, 2010 03:19 pm
I was thinking Belana, that maybe you could just "agree" with everything she says just to see what happens, just like I do with my little 3 year old girl, and eventually you would have taken away all her power.  If nobody wants to argue with you, what's left to do? ::LOL Try it as an experiment.  Example:

MIL: "Why do you guys have to wake up soooo early? You don't have a life!"

You: "Yeah, you are right."

MIL: ????

You: smile

MIL: "Hm! I don't understand what is the need to wake up so early to work? There are other things in life, you know?"

You: "Yeah, you are right."

MIL: ???????!!

You: smile

And maybe she'll be so stunned and confused that you agreed with her for once that she will shut up the rest of your birthday visit.  ::LOL  Wouldn't that be an awesome birthday? Just the thought of your MIL speechless because you agreed with her should be enought to soften your resistance. ::devil


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