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spurlark
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| Joined: | Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 15 |
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 12:20 pm |
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hey everyone! i'm not too sure how to write this message...i guess i'll start with the fact that i'm relatively new to all of this, about a month or so in. i've been reading this forum for a few weeks now, and hadn't posted anything outside of a rampage. things were going pretty well, i thought. maybe they still are going well, and i just can't see it? they probably are.
anyways, i'm a college student who had planned to spend a year abroad next year in india. everything seemed like it was working out perfectly. then, i found out that i wouldn't really get much academic credit, which would result in my graduating even later than i already am (i took a medical leave of absence for a year due to a case of clinical depression). then, i realize that at the present moment, its not possible to afford the first 3 months of my study abroad. and i don't know that, if in writing this, i'm pushing everything farther away from myself. i tried applying for fin aid, and they told me that they already have too many girls on the trip, so they would just reject me (i was already accepted).
i'm really trying not to cry right now, i really want to see things positively, but the fact that not spending a year abroad can put me in such a funk makes me wonder whether or not i made the right decision to come back to my school. i didn't want to come back, i planned to transfer, but just never did. i felt like it wasn't as bad as i remember. but i don't want to spend another year here. it's a great school, prestigious, all of that. i don't know what i want. and i think i'm also afraid of wanting anything.
i'm really sorry for such a low vibe post, i just don't really know who to talk to about this. i go through periods of being totally okay with this not knowing, even happy, and then now, i'm crying because i don't want to be a financial burden to my family, i don't want to embarrass them, but i also don't want to be unhappy. i want to be happy. college just seems to stifle that. and i don't know what to do.
i've wanted to go to an art school since forever. when i was 4, i remember writing down the words "i am an artist" over and over. so, i know it means something. but it seems so far away. and i KNOW that i create my reality, but i've also chosen certain situations before birth: my parents, their financial situation. and these two things conflict strongly with me going to an art school.
my mom is visiting today. she knows i'm sad but thinks that it's only about the studying abroad problem. i guess i'm asking for advice before she gets here? i don't know. i feel like i'm whining. this is ridiculous! i'm so low on the egs, aren't i? i was so so so high nonstop just a few days ago!
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Scott
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Arizona USA |
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 01:25 pm |
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First, there's nothing wrong with crying. Sadness is just the place that you're putting your boat in the stream. And tears/crying are an excellent way to release resistance.
There's also nothing wrong with acknowledging the importance of a topic in your life. Abraham makes it clear that you can't pull back your dreams or desires. When we look at them in a way that Source is not seeing them, then your position on the emotional guidance scale is not likely to be very close to the positive end.
You're always making the best decisions that you can in the moment from where you are. Questioning your judgment about a past decision isn't going to make it any easier to move yourself up the EGS. And the fact that you were high on the EGS a few days ago and now not there isn't any kind of determination about the kind of creator that you are. The fact that you know about your guidance and have all the information that you DO have means that you know exactly what to do in this situation.
No matter where you find yourself on the EGS during your mom's visit is just fine. Move up the scale for you.
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Mueni
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| Joined: | Fri Feb 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | Nairobi, Kenya |
| Posts: | 476 |
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 01:50 pm |
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Hi Spurlak,
I thought of two main things reading your post.
The Universe always delivers whatever we ask for each and every time.
I know this isn't always comforting especially when you feel stuck in a funk and find yourself worrying that you are creating more contrast by whining or venting but it should be. Because whatever you asked for is still there waiting behind the cloud of your sadness and you are now sending even more rockets so its just getting better and better. Your trip to India is still there and its just getting better and better.
The second thing was
This or even better.
Each time we ask the Universe delivers exactly what we asked for or even better. So when it looks like you're not getting something you asked for it just means that you're getting the 'even better'. It'll work out and the tears and the sadness are sometimes part of the working out since its a wonderful way of releasing blocks of resistance and getting even closer to achieving your dreams.
The third thing is ( I know I said two things but I just thought of another one )
This perfect thread by valtameri where she talks about going through something similar.
http://www.theabeforum.com/view_topic.php?id=5384&forum_id=2&highlight=valtameri
It should be a fun read.
Relax. You're a fabulous creator and deep down you know it, which is why you are now throwing a vibrational hissy fit when things don't appear to be going your way because you have a deep knowing that life is supposed to work out for you, things are supposed to happen exactly as you want them to, you know this and that already sets you apart from so many.
All is well. That silver lining is about to shine through the clouds.
And you are so dearly loved.
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Melina
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| Joined: | Tue Oct 16th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 04:08 pm |
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It sounds like where you are is a really good place. If you are going up and down so much it means you have a lot of stuff rolled up in this and as you ride the wave and come out on the other side there will be lots of new perspectives for you to bask in.
BUT...right now you are where you are and maybe the thing to do is cry and let the process be. Things can change over night but sometimes releasing the resistance has to happen so we can feel better first to receive all the good things (better things than even you had planned) that are waiting.
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joyful unschooler
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 05:39 pm |
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spurlark wrote: I've wanted to go to an art school since forever. when i was 4, i remember writing down the words "i am an artist" over and over. so, i know it means something. but it seems so far away. and i KNOW that i create my reality, but i've also chosen certain situations before birth: my parents, their financial situation. and these two things conflict strongly with me going to an art school.
(((Hugs))) to you, spurlark!
Here's a thought for you to play with: You DON'T need to go to art school to "be an artist" In fact, if it's something you've wanted since you were 4, you ARE an artist RIGHT NOW. You don't need a piece of paper to tell you what you ARE.
Art is not an area I know too much about, but I'm willing to bet that if you googled some of your favourite artists, at least a few of the very successful ones probably did not go to art school either! There are *many* ways to get what you want. Be open to receive it in any way the Universe wants to give it to you. And trust that you are, indeed, an artist, and walk forward living as you-the-artist would live, from this moment on.
"The Universe has understood the things you have been asking for and is answering perfectly. And if you won't work to orchestrate the how and where and when, and who, but instead work to be in the receiving mode--as you practice rampages of appreciation, and as you collect fun things and beautiful things and use them to become an Ambassador of Well-Being -- the things you have been asking for will unfold in a continuum of extraordinary life experience. Those who don't yet know what you now know will stand flabbergasted as they see the stunning unfolding of your life experience.
You've just got to get happy--that's all it takes."
~San Diego, 2/15/03
"You have never, not for one moment, been off your path. And you have no reason whatsoever to feel any embarrassment or discomfort about where you are at this stage in your life. You are powerfully on your path. And you are just beginning the best part of your life".
~San Francisco 7/28/07
 Karen
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Happy4Ever
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| Joined: | Fri Jan 25th, 2008 |
| Location: | Ontario Canada |
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 07:29 pm |
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Spurlak,
What Karen says is true! YOU ARE AN ARTIST ALREADY!
If you feel inside that you are, then don't despair because you can't go to school now!
Instead, start reading books related to your pasion, to that which your heart is calling for. I can tell how you feel, because since I was little, I had this huge desire to paint and draw. As soon as I looked at the trees or people's faces, I could imagine drawing and/or painting them. But, one day, I heard my mom saying: "She'd better choose other thing if she wants to eat tomorrow"....my dreams faded, I ended choosing a career that I performed very well, but I did not enjoy!
Now, after 25 years, I learned that life is about having fun, and do what you love, I decided TO BE WHAT I WANT TO BE AND DO WHAT BRINGS ME JOY. I started painting, without going anywhere to be tought, I bought my stuff, books and put my imagination to work....My avatar is a a painting I made...I AM AN ARTIST!
Go for it!!!
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spurlark
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 12:38 pm |
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thank you all so much for your kind words! they were extremely comforting and helpful!!
scott-->thanks for letting me know that there's nothing wrong with crying. i realized that for me, crying had a real negative connotation despite the fact that crying always made me feel better. it really is a release. once i admitted to myself that there is nothing wrong with crying, i allowed myself to cry for a few minutes then realized that a few minutes was all i really needed.
mueni---> i think you really are right about the "even better" part! after reading the thread that you posted, i saw the similarities between the situation of the original poster and mine. i decided to focus on what was currently wonderful in my life and also think of fun alternatives if my study abroad in india doesn't work out. in doing that, i felt much, much better, quite happy, actually, and at some points, blissful. yesterday turned out to be an awesome day: people were extremely friendly, i had fun with friends, and everything seemed to work out in my favor (reaching the bus stops right at the moment the buses were coming, etc).
well, back to the "even better." during my awesome mood yesterday at lunch, i decided to look online at different travel blogs, and i came upon a posting about a national geographic magazine called "glimpse." it's made for and written by students who are on study abroads or are just travelling. in a few days, they are going to release the application for a travel writing competition for people who will be abroad during the coming fall months. if i win this competition, i'll get my articles published in their magazine, in addition to a $600 stipend. now, what's even more awesome is that i wouldn't qualify for this competition if i could afford my original study abroad program!!! with the original one, there is a lot of travelling between different cities. this competition requires that i be in one place for atleast 10 weeks! i realized that i could just go to auroville (the place that i was planning to stay and study at after the first program).
also, even if i don't win the competition, i can still write for the magazine! they publish articles on their website. they don't require any journalism experience at all! with any submission, they have an editor work one on one with you, even if they don't publish it! so, no matter what happens, it will be a step forward! this i think is sooo soooo awesome because, in addition to being an artist, i also see myself as a writer, and for many years (probably since mid-high school when i first heard of the profession), i've wanted to be a travel writer. i love to travel and i want to get paid to do it. i've also dreamed of working with national geographic since i was a kid, whether as a writer or a photographer.
melina--->thanks! yesterday, i realized just how right you were! i had been going up and down for the past few days, which was really weird for me, but now i see how it was a positive experience. right now, i've very very "up", don't know if i'll go back "down", but i guess the best thing to do is just appreciate how happy i feel right now!
joyful unschooler--->that abe quote was just what i needed to read. i oftentimes work too hard to orchestrate things. i should just be in a receiving mode. and when i'm in a good mood, i know that i'm already an artist and don't need to attend art school, but facts like that seem to get blurred/invisible when i allow myself to fall down the egs, you know?
happy--->you painted that! wow, that's ridiiiiiculously good! i totally resonate with what you said about looking at trees and faces and wanting to paint them. often when i look outside, i imagine the scene as though it were a painting or a line drawing, or i imagine how i would rearrange things as a drawing (omitting certain details of the scene, etc). it's great to hear from people who are older than me who've realized that life is about having fun and doing what you love because this is what i want to do, but i've been told and continue to be told that life can't be fun, etc, that i have to get a job that pays whether or not i enjoy it--->and i just don't want this to be my life! i want my life to be fun, exciting, and interesting!
again, thank you all!! i'm feeling so much better, things are really working out, i guess i just had to sit through and accept the harsh waves. i think crying also helped a lot:::the release of a lot of resistance. i feel as though i have a bit of resistance left (as in, do i deserve such awesome things?) but i know i'll get through it.
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