|Joined: ||Thu Aug 5th, 2010|
|| Posted: Thu Aug 5th, 2010 05:16 pm||
|Ok, now that I think I know how to navigate this forum, I'll get going with it.
I have some things in my vibrational craw and it might take a bit for me to get this all out. My desire is that I write this all out and that others will take it and dissect it and help me see what I can't see. I feel blind and am tired of doing this circle dance. I am asking for help and I know because I asked is why I am here. Thank you in advance because I know I will grow and so many gifts will be reveled from this.
Last year, almost to date, my mom had a stroke. I was fortunate enough to be in a position to move and be with her while she recovered. As much as I was happy to be there for her I was also a bit confused because this was not part of my plan. I had written a book a year earlier that I want to teach from and I started a t-shirt design co. that I wanted to travel and market. BUT, I thought, I have put a lot out there as to my desires, and its not up to me as to how it comes as long as it comes. So happily I took care of my mom and waited for all my dreams to come to fruition.
Now, before I go any further, prior to this event I was in a relationship with a wonderful man who aided me in my growth, loved me very much and supported all that I did but there was no passion in our relationship, sorta like living with my best friend; no intimacy. So, one of my dominate desires was to have a partner to share my happiness with, to co create with and to have that passion with, too.
Okay, so I am taking care of my mother, who by the way is doing beautifully, and finding ways to keep myself balanced. This was an incredible journey for me. Taking care of the person who took care of me, not always easy but good. All the while having that burning desire inside of me to have a life partner, I finally met someone online. The first time I met him I felt an instant connection. He was not perfect and had some issues but we felt so good together and he wanted to know what I knew. He saw my glow and wanted it too. I was so happy and felt so sure about it. I had learned to listen to my self, trust my instincts and I just KNEW he was the one. Only a few weeks later it ended abruptly by his choice. I was hurt, and in disbelief at first. Then did what I knew to do to let it go and move on.
Soon after that I met another fellow who was spiritual, funny and loving, all the things I had been asking for. I moved in with him after my mom learned to walk again and could be on her own. Once again I found myself disappointing in the relationship. He turned out to not be the person I thought he was. Frustrated by now I was starting to doubt my ability to co create or even to create.
During Christmas vacation with my family, the man I was so in love with came back into the picture. I stood my ground and told him that we could be friends but nothing more. That I loved myself too much to be subject to his confusion again. I loved him as a human being, had compassion for his past and current situations and gave him words of encouragement when he needed it but I thought I was over those "loving" feelings for him. He later asked me to come work for him and I did. The first time I saw him after so long my heart did a little flip. Still though, I would not let that deter me from what I was walking towards in my life.
(What you resist persist)
In the meanwhile, I became less and less tolerant of the man I was with and soon told him that i wanted to move out, to be on my own, which is something I have never really done for too long before, and let the universe take me where I have asked for it to take me. I was so proud of myself for being up front and honest with him about my desires and reasons for leaving. Being the man that he was, he took it hard only for a few days and then gave me him blessings. Today he is my best friend. I loved him but was not IN love with him.
During all of this my "boss" and I were working together so beautifully. I felt so good when I was with him even on a boss/friend basis. Although not too long after I moved into my own home I couldn't resist my feelings for him and gave into his desires as well.
He did everything right. He knew he had messed up with me and did everything he could to gain my love and trust back. Soon enough I admitted my love for him and we were both so happy. Up in the mornings together pre paving our days, listening to Abraham, meditating and just loving our lives and each other. He was so excited to be learning about the law of attraction. He would call his down trodden friends and tell them how wonderful life was for him now and that they too could find peace and happiness. I was so proud of him and so happy for both of us. Two people who had lived very contrasting lives (every one has a story) coming together and having all that they deserve and desire. This was bliss!
Until he invited one of his friends to come stay with us. He wanted to help this long time friend and I agreed. Things were good at first. We all watched the Secret and talked about our beliefs. Not long into it, a few weeks, his friends started drinking on a daily basis (not that we didn't have a drink from time to time) From morning to night he drank. My partner did well not drinking with him every day, at first. But soon I saw changes in him, his attitude, his lack of co creating with me as much. He stopped pre paving and meditating. I quickly saw what was going on. My partner was allowing himself to become influenced into living in the past. His friend would only talk about "old times" what used to be and how much fun it was, although much trouble came from all of that fun. I address this with my partner to help make him be aware (when we first got together we agreed that if either one of us started to "slip" that we would say something to make the other aware) so I did and he said he saw it to and agreed to make changes. That lasted a few days and it started all over again.
I did every thing I knew to do. Wrote in my book of positive aspects; journal daily; recognized when I was slipping into old negative thought patterns myself and quickly found a better more positive thoughts; listened to Abe; every time something came into my space that I didn't like I worked my scale til I felt better....I did what I thought was all the "right" things to do to summons the best from him and us and our life. I wrote a book about all of this for God sakes.
It seemed the more I summons good from him the more I got the not so good. Soon I was in a whirl wind of negative. Constantly going from dispare and hurt to anger to resentment, to revenge and finally contentment and then you know the rest. I would feel good again. Smiles and hope and then before I could get my roots in the ground completely...BAM! Something would happen and I'd be right back down to the bottom of the scale. This has been going on for a good 5 months and it seems like its been 5 yrs. At this point I am confused, disappointing, angry, sad and tired. I am torn between staying with him and leaving. There is a war in my mind and in my heart. Part of me has so much compassion for him and wants to see him find his balance and happiness and that part of him that is so wonderful is who he really is and I love love love him. The other part of me says "You deserve more than this; you know too much to let yourself live like this; he has to find his own happiness and balance ext... and then I go back to " but when you first learned this stuff, you needed help from someone who loved and understood you, and so does he.......on and on and on.
It's like I have let myself come down to his "level" so that he could come up some and hope that we find balance with each other again...be the blended being that we came here to be. There is a fine line in the blending process and I keep teetering back and forth.
Then of course there is that old fear that sets in of being left alone, abandoned like my father did when i was three.....ohhhh, the fights "I" have with my ego and pain body.....
Well now you all know the gist and I have to get back to work. I look forward to any and all words that come my way on this and I'm sure when this is done I will be filled with love and appreciation!
Peace and Love,
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